Today was a bad day. Not in a “horrible things happened” way, but a “everything is stacking up all at once, and now I’ve had frustrating shit happen on top of it” kind of way.

I need time for self care and to mentally and emotionally rebound. That’s not going to happen, though. It never does.

You see, as seems to be a common issue nowadays, I am expected to be doing something productive most hours of the day. If I’m taking time for me before an hour or so before bed, that is An Issue™️ and will be judged accordingly.

When I started writing this, I was going to say this comes from being born female or presenting and identifying as such. But, no, that’s not the case. This is something I see happen to most people in my age group, regardless of all that. What tends to change is what you’re expected to be doing, and that changes more based on those around you than gender.

Given my personal situation, I am expected to rise at least an hour before I need to leave the house (I flat refuse, though I do need to give myself more than 15 minutes) then work from 8 to 5 with that “wonderful” 1 hour lunch (9 to 5 was a lie I was sold all my young life, and never questioned that its actually an hour more when I got to adulthood) before returning home to clean until maybe an hour before bed.

It’s to the point that I can’t have a day like this and then take time to bounce back from it and process, because my processing requires I not be doing anything to compound the suffering. I personally have about two chores that can be done without stressing me out further: cooking and laundry. (And mowing the grass, but it’s one of the few chores I don’t have to do myself around here as my brother hired someone for it.)

Problem with cooking is I then have to do dishes afterwards, one of the most painful chores for me. Problem with laundry… is that it takes all of five minutes. Then I have to “be productive” elsewhere.

I can’t even just say fuck it and not be productive, because I do want these chores to be done. I want to get them done and out of the way. But when I am this stressed, I cannot in any way shape or form bring myself to do them. But that expectation is still there, and leads to the shame and guilt of not doing what I sjould be doing.

This shame and guilt then causes only further stress and frustration because the game I’m playing or book I’m reading instead of doing my chores is not going to help me relax when I know it’s not what I “should” be doing.

I’ve learned to rephrase and recontextualize a ton of things, but there has been absolutely nothing that has gotten my brain to accept that taking the evening to just destress and relax is what I should do after a bad day, as it allows me to, to steal an idea I saw online, refill my spell slots to better tackle the day tomorrow and actually be productive.

I don’t know how to fix this. I like to come to these posts with some sort of lesson I’ve learned or insight I feel I’ve gained, in the hopes I help someone in a similar situation.

Today, I can’t do that. I’m sitting here crying in my bedroom because life is piling up again, I spent two hours on the phone just trying to buy a new phone (this one is actively dying on me), and I came home to a mess because the dog got out into the rest of the house. Oh, and my new kitten is being an asshole. And I still am not getting any chores done. Dinner still needs to be cooked. And nothing in this house gets done unless I do it, my mother visits and helps and then layers on more shame, or it’s something my brother wants done so he actually helps.

This too shall pass, I know this. I just haven’t figured out how to handle it until it does. And when it does, I hope I come out the other side with new ways to handle the pile up of stress and expectations. Gods above all know that, at tbe moment, I am not getting anything worthwhile out of this struggle.