I am a relatively successful woman. I bought my first brand new car without help, minus making sure it was a decent deal, and I needed no cosigner for my house.

I graduated tech school and immediately found work, and I make friends easily. I excel at most things I attempt. This isn’t bragging, it’s explanation for why people consider me relatively successful.

Then again, I feel like a complete failure and loser.

I never feel like I’m living up to what my mother wants for me, but when I try to do things her way, I feel empty and like a lie. When I do what I want, or try to, I feel like everyone is just waiting for me to fail, or I can’t afford it, or I can’t prioritize it.

I want to be a writer. I feel like I’m decent at writing. But I get demotivated because I get little support. I want to learn new languages, and I am making progress on Japanese and Spanish. But then, a lot of people think I’m stupid or it’s a waste of time.

Playing piano or drums or guitar- too expensive and time consuming. Learning to smith? I would love to be a blacksmith, but when I tell people, I hear how a girl isn’t strong enough to be a real smith. I would clearly only want to do delicate stuff because it wouldn’t be as hard.

My biggest dream? To be a modern day ninja, in terms of skills. Classes for the skills I want to hone are too far away or too expensive. People scoff at me, because that’s such a childish dream. Why don’t I work on something more productive and serious?

But the biggest reason I feel like a failure… I want to be a good girlfriend, but I am scared. I am scared I am going to screw everything up, or not be enough, or be too pushy. Or, that I’ll just be used again.

My previous attempt at a relationship, before my current boyfriend, was… bad. He just wanted a good time, and when I pushed for a relationship, he split. I found out later that he’d been married at the time. Now, I’m afraid to fall for the same trap.

Though, I’ve never enjoyed being very physical in a relationship. Sex is okay, on occasion, but my first sexual relationship started to feel like that was all that mattered. Every time we got together, that was all we did. Between that, and being used… I don’t want sex. But I’ve never been a big cuddler. Never been a big kisser. Hugs, occasionally, sure, but… that’s about it. Most men want some form of non-verbal evidence of attraction, but… I just can’t provide that.

So, I feel like a failure. A failure who really needs therapy. But, being on a temp contract, I have no insurance and very little money.

Therapy is expensive, y’all. Even the “cheap” therapy places I see advertised are expensive. I need to get back to therapy, I think it would help a lot. But I cannot afford it. Even with insurance, not sure I could afford it.

So, I’ll muddle through. Pretending I’m not dying inside, trying to balance my true self against what everyone else wants me to be. Trying to be the girlfriend my boyfriend needs, even though I know it’s not comfortable for me.

But, I know that out there, others are handling the same things. And if they find me, they’ll give me a hand up. I would do the same for them. There’s help somewhere, affordable help, I just have to find it.